Yesterday And Today

“

and i wonder if in a few years i will still be able to recall the way the sunlight hit your face 

if i will still be able to understand the kids we were when we came together, as only kids do 

and will the trust be there, will the love be there. will we still work with the tune of two people who have spent so much time outlining each other anything else would be foreign 

i wonder if in a few years i will still be able to crawl into a bed next to you, watching the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest. i wonder if i will be able to place my head right over your rib cage and still be able to hum along to the familiar beat of your heart 

if i will still be able to find your hand in the crowd of strangers that engulf me, if that hand will still be strong and steady against the currents of this world that drag me under over and over again 

and will we still be there, will we still touch each other in the same gentle way. will we still be fighting for each other, will it still make sense 

i wonder if we will decay, if one day our hands will never again entwine together like vines up the side of a  house. I wonder if i will still be able to call you to me, to rest my head on your shoulder and let the scary parts of this world slip away. i wonder if one day the safety i have come to associate only with you will disintegrate and i will be left against the backdrop of this harsh world. i wonder, if you will still love me the same.    

i wonder, when we break each others hearts, will the rest of the world become a foreign place to us both. will we survive it, or will we both get swept away, unable to find a good purchase without the other standing by.

”

– if you’re going to rescue me, do it quick (via kfenton)

“

remind me when the sun comes up
and we transform into different people
that there is still something underneath all of this
that despite the anger worn on our skin like a coat
just underneath the flesh of us
there is a small resemblance of love

 

and remind me when the sun comes up
when it fills the room and blinds you 
that we are still two pieces of the same puzzle
that somehow, someway we still live on two sides of the same coin

 

remind me, remind me again when the sun comes up
that in the face of it all our love still blossoms
that in spite of the lack of water, in spite of the sun that burns us up
there is still the garden that we sowed together
there is still some semblance of the people we were

   

remind me when sunrise blooms across this aching world
when it blossoms against our aching chests
when it rises against our breaking bodies
that this love
our love
still exists.

”

– K.Fenton (via kfenton)

“I cannot grow in this grief.”

– K. Fenton (via kfenton)

“

I live for these moments where the calm washes over me and I can picture myself in a life where the panic does not seize me by the hands and bind me against the world. 

I live for fireworks on the last night of summer, my mother and father content by my side, watching the sparks explode across the inky sky. 

I live for the tall buildings that surround me as I sit in a seat at the baseball field, secured by walls of countless towers filled with people living grand lives. 

I live for his hand slipping into mine, for the possibility of a future where I wake up next to him, and at the end of a long day fall back against his arms.  

I live for these moments, the ones that remind me that there is a way to grow a home in your heart. There is a way to find a place to rest among the burden of this rising fear within me. 

I live, and isn’t that everything? Isn’t that what it all boils down to? That I am still living, moving through the day, looking forward, planning a future. That I may be weighed down, that I may be crushed under all this chaos, but I am still building a home within me, within the people that love me. 

Isn’t it everything that I am still finding the love sprouting across my heart, that the love is still growing even when the water dries up? 

I live, and isn’t that enough? 

It is.

”

–

Rest (8.16.17)

K. Fenton 

(via kfenton)

“

We are jagged, broken things in a jagged, broken world. There is this blackness that stretches between us like hands trying to grasp at each other. We are connected by a darkness that seeps in so deep it would be impossible to dig it out.

And just under our ribs, right where those beautiful bones lay is this small glimmer of light, blinking, waiting to drown out this endless blackness that surrounds us. It waits, breeding all of the things that we have been longing for. It waits, wanting to heal the dark, dirty, stained parts of us.

I want to tear open that patch of light, let it shine on every aching place on our bodes. I want to breathe in that sunshine, inhale it, let it heal our broken lungs. I want it to fix this great, towering sadness deep within us, deep within me. 

I don’t want to be buried by the heaviness of this grief.

”

–

9.7.17

K. Fenton

(via kfenton)

“

I am displaced by these waves of grief that swell and rise within me as if they are a hurricane inside my throat. 

I do not know how to swim out of these waters, I do not know how to save myself from drowning in this heartbreak.

”

– K.Fenton (via kfenton)

“

I feel like a dam holding back the water until the earth shakes and the cracks run deep, until the fissures open me wide and let the floodwaters of my heart soak the world.

I am holding my breath, waiting for the exhale. I am waiting for the moment where all the air rushes out of the room and the dam splits and the world drowns it all falls apart.

I do not know how to save myself from the things I cannot change. I do not know how to fix the things I am about to break.

”

–

9.6.17

K. Fenton

(via kfenton)

“

I remember him laying next to me, his hazel eyes catching the light so that they glittered. 

And he smiled, this lazy smile that was all encompassing. It was so natural, so beautiful,  you could tell that straight down to his stomach he felt happiness. It was the kind of smile that lit up his body like a firecracker. God, it awed me. 

He smelled like the woods, it was my favorite scent. The scent lingered on his skin so that you could smell it all around you. It was intoxicating, it was like being in a forest with the sun shining and the wind rustling through the leaves. It was the kind of smell that brought you down to your knees with the memory of home. He always smelled like home. 

Every moment I had with him I wanted to live in forever. I wanted to trace back time and rip open those moments and let them filter into my brain like a drug. I would have given up everything to just stay, linger in those moments for the rest of my life. None of them were tainted with heartbreak, or arguments, or tears, it was all love and happiness. It was a warm summer day with a cool breeze and blooming flowers. He was everything beautiful, he brought everything beautiful into my life. I would die a thousand times if it meant being able to stay in that room with him next to me forever.

”

– (via sleevecub)

“

First, you take out the blood, the systematic parts of the whole. You remove the veins, lay them across the earth and turn them into a shrine. You glue the bones together, construct a gravestone out of the ivory marrow. 

Second you cut open the soul, you drink it up and it tastes like whiskey. Your head spins at the memory of you and her sharing a bottle of it late one night, whispering secrets that would never escape the dark. You sway across the now empty room, unstitch her thoughts one by one, knit them into a sweater that will never be worn. 

Third you break open her chest, let the abyss spill out of her. You dip your fingers in the blackness she had hiding beneath her heart, paint her name on the wall a thousand times. You force her back out into the open, expose her to the world that is trying to forget her. 

Fourth you resurrect her in your own blood. Ignite the fire beneath your lungs and inhale the parts of her that almost slipped away so long ago. You carve yourself out, sew the heartbreak into your mouth, reopen the cuts that never completely healed. 

Lastly, you scrub her out of the wood floors. Bleach her memory from the shower, the sheets, the kitchen. You box up her things, hide them in the attic, and then you pray to her everyday. You try to erase, like the rest of the world, you try to forget like the rest of the world, but you still hold her at the base of your throat. You cradle her in the pit of your stomach, and you never bother to try to erase all of the parts of you she touched. You linger in her shadow, bathe in her twilight. You fall asleep under the haze of her remembrance, and you are never able to stop drowning in the thoughts of her.

”

– How to grieve (k.i.s)